Tuesday, January 25, 2011

From Sunday at 11:45 p.m.


My bookmark is once again a napkin from the hospital cafe, and Mom is sleeping in the ICU tonight. The afternoon was spent in the ER, and the news from an ultrasound was not good. Her cancer has spread. Mom's desire is for comfort, not aggressive treatment, and tomorrow we will figure out exactly what that means.

For now I sit in a dark kitchen, no one else awake in the house. All I can do is breathe in and out, believing that courage and strength will come in the morning.

Lord have mercy.



This morning

At that point on Sunday night the phone rang. The hospital wanted me to know that my mom's heart was struggling, and they suggested I come in. It was a long night, but she pulled through. Yesterday she had a procedure that turned out to be "an aggressive measure"...it always has its risks, but with her heart being so weak, they thought it was a 75% chance that she would not survive anesthesia. She survived.

But the cancer has spread and has caused them to not be able to open up the duct fully. Our hope yesterday was to clear enough infection to bring her home with comfort, and for my sister's son to be able to see her.   I will find out soon if that is the case.

When Mom said yes to the procedure that the anesthesiologist thought would result in death, she looked at me (scared and showing it) and said:  Jesus is Lord.  Now, this is not normal Mom verbage.  She has deep faith, and she keeps her deep faith pretty deep most of the time.  But I am certain that my mother was not thinking of her own mortality at that moment, but about ME and how that mortality would effect me.  She wanted me to remember that He is Lord over my life and all that happens to me.  What my mother has taught me about loving was beautifully exhibited at that moment of life and death:  It is not about me.  It is not about circumstances.  It is not about statistics.  It is about loving others.

We're hoping for a few more weeks of loving each other, and we sure would appreciate your prayers.

27 comments:

superstar racing said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Justin said...

I have no words. My reaction, too, was "Lord, have mercy."
I'm so sorry...but yet so grateful that you found the strength to type this, to share this with us. I'll be praying today.

Staci said...

So sorry, friend. God's grace to you in this time.

stephseef said...

the breathing. i just so remember the breathing during That Week. Every one was like a conscious choice to face the pain that was ahead. It was a physical battle as much as an emotional one. I am so sad for what you will endure, so grateful that Queen Jean has become an evangelist, :), and so moved by the gift the Lord has given you all with this year and a half of unexpected time. Treasure it all, tuck it away in your heart. You'll always remember.

Love, Stephy

i have to say this - the word verification word for my post is 'sprephy'. Now *that's* funny.

Walworth said...

Dear Di, thank you for sharing this and please know you and your sweet mother have my prayers. God is with you and near on this journey and like she said, Jesus is Lord. Rest knowing these truths. Love you, sweet friend. Janet.

Skeller said...

oh, Di. my heart hurts with you, for you. Praying for your Mom. Praying for you...

Anonymous said...

You are in our prayers. Lord have mercy on you and your mama.

Cindy Marsch said...

Praying, Diane. What a beautiful testimony you (and your mother) have!

mom said...

I remember the days of consciously feeling each breath in and out with my own mom's last days. I will be praying for you and your family, Di, and trusting that He will give you the grace, peace, and amazing love needed for each moment.

Blessings,
Tammy ~@~

Alison said...

Oh Diane,
Praying here for you in HMB. You and your mom have had such a special and strong relationship these last few years. Your love and faith run deep. May they sustain you and your mother as you walk this difficult road.

Susan said...

I'm a reader - praying for you and your family. Peace and strength to you.

Kathie said...

A courageous mom and daughter. You have my prayers Di. Sending love across the continent.

JSD said...

Such a difficult time. Prayers and thoughts for Jean, you, and your family. The Lord is our strength. Hugs from the afar.

Jenny said...

Prayers are being offered, and gratitude for what your mother, and you, are teaching me.
~Jenny

Carol in Oregon said...

Di...I am sobbing here.

Your mom is so Christ like. When he was on the cross dying Jesus was thinking of his mom and brokered an adoption deal.

Jesus is Lord. Wow.

I love that woman.

Anonymous said...

Praying...may you all know His grace.

~A reader

MamaF said...

I'm just an affectionate reader from Italy. I'm praying for you all.
May Jesus grant you His peace and love.

Flavia

Anonymous said...

Dear Di,
You and your family are in our prayers today and will continue to be there. My husband and I had the honor of being with each of our mom's when that last breath came. Hard, yes, but also beyond description, too. I know our Lord is with you and your mother. Strong faith does help. Hope you can feel all the love being sent your way.
love and encouraging prayers, jep

A Circle of Quiet said...

Dear friends and Anonymous ones and readers who have not commented before...

THANK YOU.

We are walking forward in faith...and with your prayers.

DI

Patricia said...

Oh, Di...so hard. Praying for grace and mercy and days overflowing with tender, compassionate, radical love.

Leslie said...

I'm so sorry Diane... Praying for you, your mother and your family. I had no idea, I didn't realize you were blogging. May your time together be filled with a timeless love.

Love Leslie

elizabeth said...

Lord have mercy Lord have mercy Lord have mercy.

Prayers and love.

Keep us posted as you can. Yes, Jesus is Lord. God is with us. He will not abandon us in these times.

tonia said...

oh Di. I will be praying. I know how precious this last year has been. I pray for great, great peace for you all.

holding you in my heart tonight.

Quotidian Life said...

Dear Diane,

I have never had the pleasure of meeting your mother but I have been blessed to become acquainted with her here on your blog and and by the lovely things you have shared about your relationship with her. You are all in my prayers; may our loving Heavenly Father provide just what is needed for each of you.

Love and prayers,
Melissa

DebD said...

definitely praying, my friend. Lightening a candle this morning for you and your mom.

learningtofollow said...

I always enjoy reading your posts about your mom. She seems like a very special lady and you are blessed to have such a beautiful mom. You are all in my prayers!

Les said...

Holding you and your family and your mother in my thoughts and prayers.