Beauty is winning me over

I forgot how tired grief makes me.  I don't push the feelings away, I don't tell myself to buck up and gut it out, but sadness can still get tangled up inside, stuck in a dark corner and unable to get out.  And I get tired.  So tired.

Life doesn't stop, though.  Laundry piles high, people get hungry, pantry shelves empty, dog hair collects under the piano, math lessons require help, Eagle scout deadlines remain.  I am glad, for as weary as I am I would probably just curl up in a ball and not move.  Eight or nine hours at night are enough time for the fetal position; I am glad that the responsibilities of life get me moving.

But it is beauty that grabs my heart and makes me really live.

There is beauty in the sunrise, creating ribbons of light across the valley. Flowers glowing in the afternoon light and shadows. The intricate design of lace hanging in a window.

There are your beautiful comments and emails and gifts and cards.  They remind me I am not alone.  Thank you.

Life didn't have to beautiful, did it?  It could simply be utilitarian, grey, and functional.  Instead the world is filled, created, designed with an astounding variety of beauty.  The colors flashing as a bird darts by, the golden song of laughter as the family plays Apples-to-Apples, the grace of a young man as he soars to the basket for a crowd-pleasing block, the smell of lasagne reminding us that dinner is is around every corner.

And it is waking me up, winning me over.


Quotidian Life said…
Beautiful sentiments in beautiful words, Diane. I'm thanking God for his care of you.
Anonymous said…
Father Stephen put it this way (he may have been quoting Dostoyevsky...I'm too ignorant to know...)

Without Beauty the world would cease to exist.

Maybe that's true at the personal level, as well.

Standing with you.

Linda said…
Diane, your words make me think of Ann's book and this call to count the way the Father loves us. Surely, it is found in the beauty you describe so well.
Praying for the sweet comfort of His presence.
DebD said…
cyber hugs for you, continued prayers for you and a blessed repose for your beloved mom.

lovely words about beauty too.
tonia said…
yes and amen. thank you for filling my own soul this afternoon, Di, in the midst of your grief. rest, my friend.
Addie said…
Amen! Amen! And amen again! :)
Anonymous said…
So true, Diane. In a particularly dark time of my life, poetry and my children's beautiful little faces got me through. The Lord's beauty fills the earth and our hearts and reminds us of Him, who is our comfort.

I'm continuing to pray.

chris said…
i'm sure there's lots of readers of your blog who, like me, wish they could not just pray for you, but also do something else. for all this time, you've put effort into making the web site that i so often enjoy with my morning coffee, and i wish that somehow from London I could spare you a bit of fatigue by cooking you and your family a meal, or doing a few loads of laundry, or the like.

i am very glad to hear that you're not pushing your feelings of grief away--my experience, at least, is that the kind of grief that results from bereavement needs to be worked through, rather than denied or repressed, otherwise we never really come out of its shadow. and i imagine that the reason you find work therapeutic, in spite of your extreme fatigue, is not (primarily) because it's work, but because it's an expression of love for your family. Work is helping you because it's an expression of love, just as beauty is helping you, because it's an (irresistible) invitation to love. One way or another, Love is what--and Who--will you get through this!

i'll keep praying,

chris (from england)
stephseef said…
Ditto what Chris from England said. I'd love to bring you a hot dish. I am, after all, a cradle Lutheran.

Two soundtracks you might consider: Add to the Beauty, which I know you know, by Sara Groves, but the other one that surprised me in its beauty and honesty was Steven Curtis Chapman 'Beauty Will Rise'. Really powerful stuff.

Am loving you from Wisconsin. :)
Di said…
Dear friends, thank you for your comments. I appreciate each and every one!

Chris in England, I would love your email address, if that is okay. Mine is acircleofquietATyahooDOTcom.

Kathie said…
Don't I wish I could bring you a meal or two and help with the laundry. Thinking of you often and of your beautiful mom. And praying for God's sweet healing presence. Isn't He so good to surround us with beauty and give us eyes to see. How lovely to think that your mom is bathed in beauty now and someday we will be as well.

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